The Gentle Approach: Trusting the Pace of Childhood

Last week at the play park, I overheard a conversation between two mums and a dad, all with children around my daughter’s age. They were chatting about toilet training and nursery and sharing their experiences with each other… the good, the bad, and the unexpected.

One mum mentioned that she felt her daughter was being encouraged to start toilet training at nursery before she thought she was ready, and every day she was being sent home from nursery with multiple sets of wet clothes. She joked that her home was becoming like a laundrette but wasn’t sure what to do because, in her heart, she felt her little one needed a bit more time, but from the way she was talking it appears the pressure from the nursery made her question whether she should push forward anyway. The dad nodded, saying they’d had a similar experience in a larger nursery setting, he felt his daughter wasn’t always taken to the toilet as often as she needed, leading to accidents that could have been avoided. Eventually, he moved her to a smaller nursery, where she seemed much happier and more settled.

It was one of those conversations that reminded me how different every child is, how there’s no one-size-fits-all approach, and how, as parents, we’re constantly navigating decisions that feel bigger than they should.

The Pressure Starts So Early

Hearing these parents chat made me think about something I read recently on another Substack. The writer shared how her daughter, at just 3.5 years old and herself (an adult) had felt pressured by a teacher at a dance class, her daughter was expected to follow instructions that didn’t quite match her neurodivergent developmental stage and the mum herself, who was also neurodivergent was made to feel like she wasn’t welcome to support her daughter settling in to the class. It struck a chord because I had a similar moment last year when we were trying out a local class with my daughter. On her third time at the class whilst the group were being given instructions, my 3 year old daughter simply suggested to the group leader a colour she liked as the group leader was holding up coloured cards - only to be told to “shh” in a fairly sharp tone. It wasn’t a massive thing, but it was enough to make me realise it wasn’t the right fit for us. I decided not to take her back.

It’s interesting how early these expectations appear, whether it’s toilet training, structured activities, or even the way children are expected to engage in group settings. It can sometimes feel like there’s a quiet rush to move them on to the next stage before they’re ready. But if I’ve learned anything through parenting, it’s that children all move at their own pace, and they do best when we trust them to get there in their own time.

For us, that’s meant making decisions that feel right for our family, including home education. But for other families, that might look completely different. What feels most important is having the space to pause, to listen to our children, and to make choices that align with who they are rather than who they’re expected to be.

Have you ever felt that quiet pressure to move your child along before they were ready? Would love to hear your thoughts!

Til Next Time | Lesley-Anne